A few weeks ago I was in a really dark space. That doesn't happen to me very often. I'm a pretty "sunny side up" kind of person so being in a dark place is very foreign to me and quite hard.
A series of things led me there, all of which seemed to spontaneously combust in the same week. It was one of those weeks where you say "it can't get any worse than this!" Then a BOMB drops. Yeah, one of those.
I could whine about all of it and cry you a river, I really could. But I'm just going to focus on one part in particular.
I've shared before that last summer, nearly one year ago, that Luke was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder. This has been a really hard hit to our family over the last year. One because, its just a really sad PREVENTABLE diagnosis, but also one that is irreversible & not treatable. You CAN manage the symptoms, you CANNOT take away permanent brain damage. We, over the coarse of the year, have learned how to cope & help.
This has been a very labor intensive process for me. Loads of paperwork, meetings, knocking on doors, referrals, more meetings, OH & money. I have made great strides in the process but it is often one step forward, three steps back.
But I've persevered, for HIM. I am his only advocate. I find myself wearing thin and then I say to myself "he didn't ask for this life." When I'm feeling weak & at the end of my rope I always go back to this. AND the knowledge that God literally placed him in our lap. God most certainly knows something I do not & I have trust in His judgement, even on days when I feel completely inept & unsuitable. I know we were chosen.
But as I found myself in this dark place of despair, sadness and a feeling of hopelessness (Luke had run away, again! He has a strong "fight or flight" reflex and does both amazingly well leaving us scared for our/his safety) with no relief in sight ... I was crying myself to sleep that night. So so so sad. Worried for him, for us, for our family dynamics, for the challenges we face daily, for the fear in my heart, for his inability to follow simple directions, comply or rationalize. I lay in by bed - pillow stained with mascara and wet with tears and for the first time ever I said ... "WHY ME."
And a clear as day a gentle warmth flooded me and a very loud voice whispered in my ear ... "WHY NOT YOU?"
Friends, I heard that answer to my "WHY ME" so clearly in that moment. I smile came to my face and within seconds I fell asleep feeling comforted and able. When I woke the next morning I felt sunny again, feeling hopeful and ready to tackle life again.
I'm not close to any life changing solutions or the cure for all that is challenging in our house by any means. But I am equipped by God to handle whatever this life brings. He reminded me that night to lean in and listen. When I am weak, He is strong.
Our family is still in the storm. In fact, our life might always be in somewhat of a storm status but I know who we are guided by and that brings me great comfort, even amid the chaos ... and I have PLENTY of that.